It has been a minute since I last wrote on this blog. I used to write a blog on a regular basis called "Be a Better Man" but stopped a number of years ago because it seemed like a waste of time. It was a good outlet for my thoughts though so maybe I shouldn't have stopped.
I am an only child. There is one thing people with siblings will never understand about being an only child. That "one thing" is the fact that only children know a deep loneliness that no one else can ever really understand or appreciate. If you have a sibling, it doesn't matter how lonely you have every felt, it is nothing compared to the loneliness that comes with being an only child.
I thought as I got older, got married and had kids that level of loneliness would never happen again. I was wrong. You can be just a lonely surrounded by a spouse and kids as you can sitting in your bedroom playing by yourself as an 8 year old. This isn't new for me. I have been experiencing this for a long time now but like I said I haven't written here in a long time.
It doesn't help that I work a remote job where I don't get to interact with co-workers either. Every day at work is a lonely experience as well. I could go the entire week not hearing from any one at my job if I didn't have to reach out to them to follow up on tasks, assignments and client related matters. I bet if I stopped doing that I wouldn't hear from anyone. I could be dead and no one at work would care or even notice. That compounds the loneliness I feel when I am home.
Although to be honest when I worked at EY in St. Louis I came into the office every day and had the same experience for almost two years. I could sit in my office and unless I went outside and spoke to others on my floor no one would stop by and say hello or ask how I am doing. Even after my wife had emergency surgery no one stopped to check on me. That was a really weird experience. Back then it would happen weeks upon weeks. Once I said good bye to my wife and daughter I might not utter another word out loud until I came back home again.
Add that to the fact I feel like no one has ever really understood me or what makes me tick. Very few have made the effort to try. One thing that is consistent in human nature is a willingness to give up relatively quickly when it comes to trying to get to know someone. Either that or people assume they know you despite making little effort to do so or to stay connected with you. Some people have never had to do that because their entire life people wanted to be with them so badly they didn't need to make an effort to get to know someone. And yet others just don't want to try.
Tonight, lying next to my three year old son while he fell asleep I broke down crying. He is such a sweet boy. He gave me a kiss and rubbed my arm and told me it would be okay. He quickly fell asleep after that thank goodness.
Everyday is lonely, with rare exceptions. If I weren't an only child I doubt I could have managed feeling this way for so long. Maybe one day that will change but given the fact I am almost 47 years old now, I doubt that it will.
Until next time, peace out cub scout.
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