Long time, no write...

It has been a minute since I last wrote on this blog.  I used to write a blog on a regular basis called "Be a Better Man" but stopped a number of years ago because it seemed like a waste of time.  It was a good outlet for my thoughts though so maybe I shouldn't have stopped.

I am an only child.  There is one thing people with siblings will never understand about being an only child.  That "one thing" is the fact that only children know a deep loneliness that no one else can ever really understand or appreciate.  If you have a sibling, it doesn't matter how lonely you have every felt, it is nothing compared to the loneliness that comes with being an only child.

I thought as I got older, got married and had kids that level of loneliness would never happen again.  I was wrong.  You can be just a lonely surrounded by a spouse and kids as you can sitting in your bedroom playing by yourself as an 8 year old.  This isn't new for me.  I have been experiencing this for a long time now but like I said I haven't written here in a long time.

It doesn't help that I work a remote job where I don't get to interact with co-workers either.  Every day at work is a lonely experience as well.  I could go the entire week not hearing from any one at my job if I didn't have to reach out to them to follow up on tasks, assignments and client related matters.  I bet if I stopped doing that I wouldn't hear from anyone.  I could be dead and no one at work would care or even notice.  That compounds the loneliness I feel when I am home.

Although to be honest when I worked at EY in St. Louis I came into the office every day and had the same experience for almost two years.  I could sit in my office and unless I went outside and spoke to others on my floor no one would stop by and say hello or ask how I am doing.  Even after my wife had emergency surgery no one stopped to check on me.  That was a really weird experience.  Back then it would happen weeks upon weeks.  Once I said good bye to my wife and daughter I might not utter another word out loud until I came back home again.

Add that to the fact I feel like no one has ever really understood me or what makes me tick. Very few have made the effort to try.  One thing that is consistent in human nature is a willingness to give up relatively quickly when it comes to trying to get to know someone.  Either that or people assume they know you despite making little effort to do so or to stay connected with you.  Some people have never had to do that because their entire life people wanted to be with them so badly they didn't need to make an effort to get to know someone.  And yet others just don't want to try.

Tonight, lying next to my three year old son while he fell asleep I broke down crying.  He is such a sweet boy.  He gave me a kiss and rubbed my arm and told me it would be okay.  He quickly fell asleep after that thank goodness.

Everyday is lonely, with rare exceptions.  If I weren't an only child I doubt I could have managed feeling this way for so long.  Maybe one day that will change but given the fact I am almost 47 years old now, I doubt that it will.

Until next time, peace out cub scout.

Scared

Hey Everyone!

It has been several years since I posted anything on this blog.  For a while, I had a different blog that I maintained but I took that down two years ago.  I didn't feel like what I was writing made a difference to anyone and it was just too much work.  I miss writing but it seemed pointless to share when no one really read it and also pointless to write for no reason so I stopped.

Today, I have reason to write again.

Today I am scared.  

I have no way to really let it go so I am writing in the hopes it will provide some release for me and help clear my head at least for today.

Your initial reaction is probably to think I am scared about the virus which is going around. I wouldn't blame you and don't get me wrong I am plenty worried about it.  I worry about my parents catching it and dying (and other family members of course).  I also worry about something happening to me and my two kids would be without a Dad.  My son wouldn't have one memory of me.  He wouldn't know the sound of my voice.  He wouldn't know how much I loved him.

My daughter would have some memories of me but by the time she would be in high school they would be fuzzy and distant. She too would likely forget how my voice sounded.

Let's not forget my poor wife.  While she no doubt can survive without me, it would obviously make her life harder.  We are far away from any family and the network we have built here in Houston is pretty small.

All of those things are a cause for concern, worry and a great deal of sadness.  Those are all enough to keep me up at night and had been keeping me up some nights.

Then a few days ago I was laid off from work.  Out of the blue.  No real warning it was coming at least not this quickly.  It is the second time I have been laid off in three years.  I had only been there 5 months after leaving the company that moved me down to Houston. Our family was getting ready to buy a house.  We have been living in rented homes for almost 18 months after having our own house in Tennessee.  The first time I was laid off it took me 18 months to find a full-time gig and that is when our economy was booming and there were tons of jobs.  Now there are over 20 million Americans looking for work (20 Million!) and almost no one in my industry is hiring and if they are, it isn't for the kind of work I do.

The lease we have is up in July and the home we are leasing is only temporary because the family that owns it plans on moving in once we move out.  This means my family will be homeless come July if I cannot find a job.  You can't rent an apartment or house without proof of income and we have none and may not have any by the time we need a place to live.  Forget about buying a home.  Last week we had just gotten pre-qualified for the purchase of a home and now without my job and salary that is busted.  Our savings were just now starting to recover from the last time I was laid off but we aren't anywhere near the same amount of savings as we had back in 2017.

So yes, I am scared.  I am forty-four years old and while you might not think it, it can be really difficult to find a new job after you turn 40.  I loved the job I was just laid off from.  I worked with a great team, a wonderful boss and an industry I really am passionate about.  It was so exciting working again for a big firm after two stints with smaller organizations.  This has absolutely devastated me and words don't really describe it.  Today I am in a serious funk and I am not ashamed to admit it.  I would have to go back 18 years ago to an event in my life (ironically also in April) that even came close to how this has made me feel.

I have faith in my God to make a way out of no way but that faith in God doesn't make me feel any better today.  Every 5 minutes I have to fight against feelings of desperation, depression, and despondency.  I need to find a job that pays us enough money within the next 30 - 45 days to prevent us from having to move in with our families.  No one wants that.  Okay, my daughter wants that but no one else.  I don't mean that as a slight against my family because my family doesn't want it either.  It truly would be a move of desperation.  A last gasp to prevent us from being on the streets.

For those who are reading this, I hope you find yourself in a better position.  I am thankful that we are and my extended family is healthy.  I am grateful I have a family I can stay with as I know plenty out there who wouldn't be able to.  I am trying to focus on the positive things and my son, Horace, helps with his goofy little smile and antics.  I am in a dark place my friends and scared.  I don't get scared.  This is new to me and I don't like it.

Journey with me if you will and let's see what God ends up doing. I certainly hope it blows my mind cause we could use some good news soon!

Thanks for reading.

Andrew

Holy Buckets!

There is absolutely no reason why I am writing a blog post today.  I mean other than the fact I am bored out of my mind right now.  It has been an exhausting week of work where it was non-stop crazy up until today.  Now however, there is nothing to do but wait for things to get done before I can be busy again.

One of the things I have been thinking of recently is my bucket list.  My wife and I are hoping to start a family soon so it has occurred to me that anything on that kind of list is likely to remain there for many more years.  Some of the things on my list will probably never happen, such as sitting in the Red Sox dugout for a full game, but a boy can still dream!  Other things would require someone to help me accomplish them and per my last blog post I doubt anyone will be able to pull that off on my behalf.

Anyway I thought I would write down a bunch of things on this list just for the heck of it.  I would love to hear your thoughts and also any of your own bucket list items.  Please comment below or send me an email to AndrewCSloss@gmail.com

Bucket List

1.  Throw out a first pitch at Fenway Park (although any ballpark not named Yankee Stadium would be fine too)
2.  Be allowed to sit in the Red Sox dugout for a full 9 inning game
3.  See the pyramids in Egypt
4.  See the Minnesota Vikings win a Super Bowl
5.  Write and book and have it published
6.  Attend a Stanley Cup Finals game
7.  Play a round at Pebble Peach and TPC Sawgrass
8.  Go back to Hawaii
9.  Go Salmon fishing in Alaska
10. Travel to France to see the beaches of Normandy and other WWII sites
11. Travel to Iwo Jima
12. Travel to every continent
13. Live long enough to see my daughter (hypothetical at this point) get married
14. Sit behind homeplate for a major league baseball game

Okay that is it for now!  I am sure I have more but my I can't seem to come up with anything that doesn't involve traveling, sports or both!

 

The Pain of Thoughtfulness

My mother is by far the most thoughtful person I know.  Everyday I lived with my parents she made an effort to be and do thoughtful things for me.  Obviously she isn't perfect so some days she was more successful than others.  Yet I am sure there were days when it didn't appear to me that she was being thoughtful and yet probably was.  That is the thing about being a thoughtful person, you make choices for the betterment of others and often they simply never know because you don't decide to be selfish.  Often times it is only when we choose selfishly that people stand up and take notice.

Even now as a 37 year old man my mom still is constantly trying to be thoughtful towards me.  I still receive care packages periodically from her (it would be more often if I hadn't insisted I don't have the room for frequent packages!)  Likewise, if it were up to her I would still get an Easter basket sent to my house every year with straw, eggs, and the whole nine yards.

It is from her example that I learned to be thoughtful towards others.  Those of you reading this who don't think I have a thoughtful bone in my body either don't know me well enough or simply have misjudged me.  Those closest to me (granted they are few in number) are all very well familiar with my thoughtful nature.  Granted I can be very direct and come across bluntly but 90% of the time I don't realize how blunt it comes out and am never trying to be hurtful.  I am only thoughtful to a select few people in my life and this is because: a) it can be exhausting, b) emotionally draining and c) time consuming.  However, I rarely withhold my thoughtfulness if an opportunity arises.  For instance, several years ago someone I know posted on Facebook how they can never find a particular kind of peanut butter in New York..  It just happened that I was somewhere and saw that kind of peanut butter and purchased her a jar.  I later gave it to her at church and while it seemed weird to be doing it, it also felt perfectly normal to me.  There was no other motivation other than to do something thoughtful.

In addition to my mom, I have a few friends (four to be exact) who are the only other truly thoughtful people I know.  We are a rare breed and if you have a person who qualifies as thoughtful you should do whatever you can to make sure they stay in your life because you likely won't find another one.

Personal Note - this is a personal blog so if anyone reading this is offended or upset because I am putting my business out there you should just get over it or stop reading this now.  There is a reason people have a personal blog and it sometimes is so they can bitch about stuff through writing.  While it is true I don't have to share my blogging with anyone it is still my right to do so and I choose to fully exercise that right.  So be offended if you want to.  Oh by the way you can also kiss my pasty white ass while you are at it. See?  Very considerate!

 

 

 

 

One of the more difficult things I am dealing with is being thoughtful and considerate to people meanwhile not having the thoughtfulness/consideration returned.  I learned how to be thoughtful from my mother and over the last 15 years I have some to discover that I have a very high level of thoughtfulness for those I truly care about. I am not saying that to be arrogant.  I simply am saying that because that is what I have been told.  I often have gone above and beyond to make people feel special, especially when it comes to buying gifts and/or doing nice things for my friends.

Over the last few years it has been a real struggle for me in this area, especially recently.  When you have a certain degree of thoughtfulness it can become very difficult to love those who aren't as thoughtful or considerate.  It often boggles my mind that people somehow never understand how their actions affect other people (i.e. inconvenience other people.)  Sometimes no matter how many times you have this conversation with them nothing ever changes.

Sure they might go a few weeks or a month not being inconsiderate (this is not the same thing as being considerate in case you were curious) but eventually they will "relapse" and you end up back at square one.  When you work so hard to be thoughtful towards a particular person or persons every day it will completely mess you up when they are incapable of returning the favor even just one time.

I don't understand how someone can claim to care about you but then not give a shit (literally no shits given) to how their actions will affect you and your life. Afterwards you often don't even get an "I am sorry."  Even if you do, those words will ring hollow because experience will tell you when people are truly sorry they make efforts not to engage in the same kind of behavior.  Yet, you can mark it on your calendar the U.S.S. Inconsiderate will be docking in your harbor (again) within the next 30 - 45 days.

Rarely is it a different issue either!  Most of the time it is the same inconsiderate or thoughtless behavior as on previous occasions and yet the offender acts like this is new territory they are discovering.  "What do you mean it is the same thing as before?  Last time it was a Tuesday, this time it was a Friday!" "Last time it was pot, not crack!", "This time I was only stumbling drunk not black out drunk!", "Last time we had sex, this time we only kissed!"

Basically you end up totally wasting your time trying to work through these issues because they will just never understand it and are incapable of changing.  How do you know this?  Because when they talk to their friends about why you are upset, they give reasons that you never mentioned! Inconceivable! Or worse yet they profess that you aren't even upset (when they should know damn well you are upset) about whatever it was that happened! Inconceivable!

It leaves a person totally drained.  The only real option you have is to give up and come to terms with the fact those people will just never change.  They might be able to avoid being inconsiderate for periods of times but just like a dope fiend eventually finds another needle they will once again run you down like a steamroller.  But hey, at least this time it wasn't a bulldozer, so you should just be okay with it.

-Andrew-

Best Selling Author?

So after some thoughtful consideration, prayer and of course the "gentle" encouragement from my wife I have decided to embark on writing a book.  I have been in New York for over 6 years and before my time runs out in this fine city I think it is probably a necessary risk to take.  There is something about living in New York that automatically gives you "street cred" regardless of the industry you work in.  While I find it odd, I also feel like I should try and take advantage of it.  I am blogging about this as a way to keep me accountable and motivated.  Nothing is worse for me than telling a person I am going to do something and having them ask about it later and having to say "Uh, yea that didn't happen" or even worse "I didn't even try."

For me there are two very difficult aspects of writing a book.  The first and foremost is trying to figure what to write about.  My wife gave me some good advice and suggested I write about something that inspires me.  Ummm...only I am not exactly sure what inspires me so that has been a challenge.  There are plenty of things that I enjoy: baseball, zombies, PlayStation, fishing etc, yet none of those things do I really want to write about.  Baseball is a possibility but I am not sure what I could write about that hasn't been written nor am I close enough to the game to write some sort of controversial piece.  I would love to write about baseball but I just don't think my credibility in that area would support writing a successful book.

I also LOVE history, enjoy reading history related books and have credibility as a history major and published author to write this kind of book.  The challenges I face here are two fold.  First, like with baseball I am not sure what the heck I would write about.  The options are vast when writing about history but I also don't want to try and write about something that you can already buy hundreds of books on.  I also would need to realize all the research that would be involved and the potential travel as well.  For instance I probably shouldn't write a book about Alexander the Great unless I have the budget to travel frequently to Europe, India and Asia.  This leads to the second obstacle: time.  Writing any piece on history, whether it is a paper or a book requires a lot of research and as a byproduct requires a great deal of time.  I don't mind putting in all the work and time but I also feel like the window on writing something while I still live in New York is closing quickly.  I am still keeping this open as a possibility.  I had a family member who fought in the Revolutionary War, was born in CT and died in NY.  I would be very interested in working on a book about one of the battles he possibly fought in (Battle of Long Island/Brooklyn, Battle of Bunker Hill or The Battle of Princeton).  Another option would be to try and write something that incorporates my wife's family history and my family history together either in a historical book or perhaps historical fiction.  There are just many places where my wife's ancestors and my own ancestors were in close proximity to one another.  Again that is going to require research and time and travel so we will see.

The only thing I am really passionate about it being the best husband, father and friend that I can be.  More importantly I am passionate about encouraging other men to do the same.  Every day I wake up and my sole purpose is to be a better man than I was the day before.  Some days that is easier than others.  Much of my passion revolves around an intense desire to see men of God raise up and live the kind of life God intended us to and not the kind of life we live by default.  Yet I also feel called to challenge all men, not just those who profess to be Christian.  With or without Christ men all over the world are living a substandard life and are often only mediocre husbands, fathers & friends.  It really upsets me that men are okay with setting such a low standard.  Deep inside the heart of every man we desire greatness, yet it seems that men only chase after this greatness in their careers.  I firmly believe it is only in Christ that men can obtain the highest potential in these areas but even without Christ men all over the world can and should be better.  Just writing these few lines gets me fired up!  Which is exactly why this is probably the subject my book should be about.

The second most difficult part of contemplating writing a book is being comfortable or confident the things I want to share or write about will have an audience.  I am confident that I am a good writer (only because I worked so hard to be better after being terrible most of my life).  I am not as confident that what I want to write, say etc., people would be interested in reading.  It seems arrogant to me to "assume" people will want to read what I write, yet that is exactly the kind of mindset you must have if you want to stay motivated.  This is especially true on those days when you are not happy with anything you have written.  I am still working through this process but have decided regardless of how I feel about it I need to write something.  Whether it is read by many or by few I know I need to take a stab at it.  God has given me this gift of writing and passion for men to be better (not that we are bad) so I feel I must honor those gifts and passions for His glory.  I only hope along the way someone will be helped and their life made better by my efforts.

For those of you who are reading this and are interested in reading more things like what I just mentioned, I have started a new blog that is specific to that topic.  You can find it at www.beabetterman.net

Until next time make it an a great one!

Andrew Sloss

Leave a Legacy

 "The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, 

but the things you do for others remains as your legacy" 

- Kalu Kalu

A few weekends ago Sharlay and I were in upstate New York attending the funeral for her cousin Tyrone Fields who passed away at the way too early age of 48. Tyrone had been diagnosed with cancer and despite receiving treatments it kept coming back.  Eventually there was just nothing more the doctors could do.  I know everyone (including my wife and I) were hoping for a miraculous healing.  Unfortunately, despite a ton of prayers, that never transpired.

To say I didn't know Tyrone well is to say I didn't know him at all.  The first and only time I met him was about four weeks before he passed away.  He was in good spirits and it was clear even from the short time we were there how much he loved his cousin Sharlay. It was truly an honor to meet Tyrone in-spite of the circumstances and it is a day I will never forget.

At the time of his passing, Tyrone was a minister in training at Friendship Baptist Church in Liberty, NY under the mentoring of Pastor Harry Brown, Jr.  From all accounts Tyrone loved serving God and was passionate about seeing the lost come back to Christ.

This had not always been the case and from what Sharlay and the family have shared, Tyrone made a lot of poor decisions when he was younger.  The details of those decisions I am not privy to nor are they important.  The bottom line is we all make mistakes, many of those we end up regretting and some have significant consequences to us and to others.  It is how we learn and grow from them that define us.

Tyrone did not let his past decisions determine his future.  Tyrone eventually found his way back to God and turned away from the things he had engaged in as a young man.  Regardless of how you might feel about God, Jesus or Christianity, there is no doubt that God touched Tyrone's life in a very meaningful way.  Tyrone became resolute to leave a positive legacy for his many children (and especially his sons) and the rest of his family and friends.  He had an unwavering commitment to bring the Gospel to the same men he used to run with.  He was determined to turn young men, who were following the same path he followed, away from that lifestyle.  He purposed in his life to live for the God he served and to let everyone around him know the power of God and His ability to change any life from bad to good.  He didn't hide from his past but rather used it to his advantage to reach men who might normally be out of reach.

His funeral was truly a celebration of his life and all the positive things he accomplished.  Everyone loved Tyrone.  My wife claimed it was the most fun she ever had at a funeral.  It was hard to argue the point.  As hard as Tyrone might have lived as a young man, he loved his family, friends and God even harder.  That was something that was clearly evident at his funeral.  People spoke about how he had personally changed their lives for the better.  Whether it was helping them find a job, get into school or simply encouraging them through difficult times, Tyrone was a powerfully positive force in people's lives.  What an amazing legacy to leave behind.  His legacy is a shining city on a hill and a torch to light the way for future generations of his family.

Tyrone left an enduring legacy.  His life is a testimony to the power of God and the ability of anyone to turn their life around.  It will be important that his family carries on his legacy so that Tyrone's efforts are not in vain.

We can never be certain how long we have on this earth to impart such a legacy.  Tyrone only had 48 years.  Thankfully he turned his life around before he ran out of time.  The resonating effects of that decision were powerfully evident at his funeral.

I can only hope that when I die I have left a legacy that will be celebrated like Tyrone's was.  It certainly gave me pause to reflect on my own life and the legacy I have created in my 37 years on this earth.  I hope that this blog might also make you stop and consider your own.

This blog is dedicated to the memory of, Gary Tyrone Fields (B. June 1965 D. June 2013) a man after God's own heart.

Paleo what now?

It was just about four summers ago when my weight was down to about 172 pounds.  I had been doing MMA training for just about one year and in August of 2009 completed our 90 Day Challenge.  At the time I started I was at 185 and my goal was to get down to 170.  I made a radical change to my diet and dedicated myself to going to MMA training at least 4 times a week for the entire 90 day period.

I continued to train hard throughout the fall and early winter until January/February of 2010.  Two things changed.  First, my MMA gym completely changed the way they trained.  It was entirely a "making money" type of move as MMA and training in MMA was becoming a major cash cow.  However, the classes went from being really fun to very boring almost over night.  Even worse they eliminated the power core class on Saturday mornings which was my favorite thing.  It was two hours of intense training where often times we learned some of the more obscure moves, kicks, punches etc that you could try in a fight.  It really is/was tragic because I LOVED going to train.

At the same time something inside of my body was changing too.  I started having a hard time waking up for work even after a good 8 or 9 hour sleep. Often I would find myself desperately wanting a nap regardless of how well I slept.  I lost energy, motivation and stopped training at Tiger Schulmann's.  I didn't know what was wrong but I kept thinking it would eventually go away and I would feel normal.  Sadly it never did and before I knew it two years (and 25 pounds) came and went and I still felt like crap on most days.  Never bothered to go to the Dr because I just didn't know what it was and I didn't think a Dr. could help me.

Finally last year once my weight reached closer to the 205 mark than the 200 mark I decided I better see a Dr.  I was diagnosed with an under-active Thyroid and given medication.  I was told I would feel better and lose at least a little weight and even more if I worked out.  To make a long story short, I didn't feel better, didn't lose weight and didn't regain energy.  Worse yet the pills resulted in my back hurting so bad I could barely stand up.  The Dr's didn't tell me that one of the side effects to the medication (especially if you are over medicated) is severe muscle pain and/or tightness.  The only reason I found out was because CVS refused to refill my prescription for two weeks so I had no pills for 14 days.  During that time my back finally felt back to normal (although I still have some pain) so I stopped taking the pills.

During this whole ordeal Sharlay (my wife) and I started dating (July 2011).  After we had been dating a while Sharlay became painfully aware of how unhappy I was with how I looked and my weight gain.  I mean 35 pounds in almost three years is a lot of weight to add.  Sadly, due to my energy levels I still lacked the motivation to work out.  All I wanted to do was come home and lay around, play PS3 or watch television.  I wasn't happy to be honest but I literally couldn't get myself to the gym consistently.  Prior to this I loved going to the gym, both MMA and the regular gym.  Now I had no interest and that wasn't helping.

We tried several different things to try and help me feel normal and lose weight but nothing ever worked.  To say I was getting frustrated is an understatement.  If I was being truthful I was bordering on depression.  Most of my life I have always been able to control my weight and the few times my weight has gone up it was easy to lose 5 or 10 pounds to get back to where I needed to be.  Not this time.  I had always promised myself since I was a little kid if I ever started to look fat like my uncles and cousins (sorry guys!) I would do whatever it took to be sure I lost weight and got healthy.  However, at this point in my life it seemed literally impossible to lose weight.  At one point I put myself on a 1100 calorie diet (often less) per day and worked out 3-4 times a week for two months.  At the end of the two months I had lost one pound.  ONE POUND!! It was very sad and I gave up.  To eat that little and work that hard and only lose one pound was daunting.  I thought I would honestly just have to live with being fat the rest of my life. I know it sounds silly but that was where my head was at.  I had never been more unhappy with how I looked but even more how lethargic I felt.

Then one day my beautiful  wonderful and stubborn wife heard about the Paleo diet on Dr. Oz.  Now if I had a dollar for every time she heard about some new ground breaking thing from Dr. Oz I would be wealthy  but no better off.  I don't want to bore you with the details but basically this diet is a nut, fruit, vegetable  meat, seafood and egg diet (see picture above.)  The idea is to eat the same foods our ancestors (i.e. cavemen) ate.  You can read more about the Paleo diet here. You can also find additional information and great recipes here.

To be honest I scoffed at the idea.  I was convinced nothing could possibly work outside of cross-fit classes which I had no interest in doing.  However, I was also desperate to lose weight.  Despite my pessimism (I know you are shocked by it!) I agreed to take this journey with Sharlay-if no other reason than prove her wrong.  Her and I started this diet around May 5th (the Sunday before Mother's day) and have done a really good job keeping it up and being consistent.  After only 4 days I felt AMAZING.  I couldn't believe how much better I felt after only a short period of time.  I had more energy, felt better about life and generally was happier than I could remember being in almost 4 years.  That honestly would have been enough for me.  It just felt great to finally feel back to my old self.  If I lost weight great but if not I was just very pleased with my energy levels and change in attitude etc.

However, much to my surprise I have also been losing weight.  Nothing crazy mind you.  I started in weighing about 208 pounds and today when I weighed myself I was down to 197.8.  That is 10 pounds in 1 1/2 months.  Here is the thing that will probably shock you the most: I have worked out very little during that period.  Swear to God.  If I counted the number of times I had gone to the gym since May 5th it would be less than 10 but much closer to 5.  I can tell you for sure I haven't been to the gym in the last 2 1/2 weeks, not even once.

Don't get me wrong.  This is not an easy diet to adjust to.  No sugar, no pasta, no rice, no bread, no carbs (mostly).  Just a lot of meat, seafood, fruits and veggies.  I had a severe headache for a solid week when I started which I know was the sugar withdrawals but I was able to give it up entirely.  I used to eat at least one major "sweet" thing (i.e. cupcake, brownie, scone, fistful of tootsie rolls etc) EVERY day.  Usually several times a day.  On this diet I went COLD TURKEY.  I almost died.  But I didn't.  Now I still do have sweets here and there.  The best thing is now that Sharlay and I are learning more about this diet we have learned there are lots of things we can eat that are sweet but don't have processed or refined sugar in them.  Yet I don't eat them often.

Before this diet I HATED eating banana chips.  Thought they were the worst thing ever.  Now, we cannot keep enough of them in the house.  I think they are great and taste awesome.  I am sure a large part of that is because I weened myself off sugar.

If any of you have struggled with the same kind of issues I outlined above I would highly recommend you try this diet.  You still get to eat a lot of tasty stuff, you don't have to starve yourself and you lose weight.  Best of all though you will feel great if you can cut out the carbs and sugars.  There are Paleo versions of pasta and rice but Sharlay and I haven't tried them yet.  I am afraid to be honest.  There is also Paleo bread (although it isn't great) that you can purchase or make yourself.

I hope we are able to keep it up and I hope I can continue to lose weight and feel great doing it.  I am sure if I was working out even just 2-3 times a week I would be losing more weight.  Maybe later this summer when I am not so busy that can happen.  Please feel free to contact me about this diet if you want but I am not an expert and honestly it isn't a diet it is a change in lifestyle.  It will make you feel better, help you be more healthy and likely help you lose weight!

Good luck and thanks for reading!

Andrew

Precedent Setting Author?

As promised here is a new blog!!  Life can be very strange at times that is for sure.  Sometimes we do things or participate in things/events that don't seem to have any real significant meaning only to learn later on in life exactly how significant it is or was.  This is an example of that very thing, although I still dispute the amount of significance this has (despite what my beautiful wife says!)

In 2011 I co-authored an article (along with my boss and another co-worker) that appeared in the November/December issue of The Journal of Multi-State Taxation and Incentives.  The article was about New York's new discretionary tax incentives program which is called The New York Excelsior Jobs Program.  It took us probably 6 or 7 months to write because the article is very technical (and not terribly exciting) and it went through a number of revisions and edits before we submitted it to the publisher.  Unfortunately, I am unable to provide a link to the article because I don't believe it appears anywhere online.  If you want I can email you a copy for your reading pleasure.  I promise it will cure even the worst case of insomnia!

While it is always exciting to see something you have written appear in print (this was my third time being published) I didn't think it was anything to get too worked up about.  I mean it wasn't an earth shattering article that was going to change someone's life or anything.  It appeared in the Journal with limited (and that is being generous) fanfare, even here at the firm.

Thus it was with great surprise that last Sunday night while sitting on my couch watching The Killing (which looks to be an amazingly better show than last time around) I received an email indicating our article was cited in a recent court case (a fairly significant one at that!) In addition, myself along with my co-authors were cited in such a way that our article now has the weight of legal precedent and as an authority on how the Excelsior Program should be administered.

The case involved Fresh Direct and its recent move from Brooklyn to the Bronx which involved the securing of a very generous incentives package from New York State.  The whole project (i.e. moving to the Bronx) was highly controversial here in New York, especially after New Jersey got involved and tried to steal the project from New York by offering a very competitive package to lure Fresh Direct to Jersey City.

Eventually a "citizen's rights" group got together and sued Fresh Direct and everyone they could think about in New York State to prevent the move.  If New York City residents aren't good for anything else you can guarantee they will have no problem whining about something incessantly and then file a lawsuit over their perceived slight or offense.  As an example, residents of New York City have been bitching about the new bike sharing program here in the city (Citibikes) because it ruins the aesthetic look of their apartment building and it is going to drive down the price of their condo.  As if there aren't more important things to worry about!  Ugh! Okay sorry...I digress...back to the court case.

I won't bore you with all the details of the lawsuit but basically the plaintiffs brought the lawsuit under four different causes of action.  The fourth cause of action was a claim that Fresh Direct didn't qualify for the Excelsior program because it is a retailer (i.e. grocery store) and said industry is not "strategic industry" allowed to take advantage of the program.  However, as our article (and the program regulations) stated, it is not the industry of the parent company that is controlling, rather it is the type of industry/business that is going on at the specific site in New York.  In this case Fresh Direct was moving a distribution center to the Bronx. The regulations make it clear that a distribution center is a qualified industry as long as the taxpayer is creating enough jobs.  You can read more about it here.

The entire lawsuit was dismissed on all four causes of action.  Our article simply was used as precedence for dismissing this fourth cause of action.  However, it was very cool to see something that I didn't think was such a big deal used in a court case that was significant here in New York.

Not to be undone of course I am sure "Citizens Unite!" will appeal the decision and it will be interesting to see what the appeals court has to say about the District Court's decision.  The bottom line is that this project is badly needed as part of the economic development of the Bronx in an attempt to revitalize the area.  I would be shocked if the court reversed the decision but we will see!

Stamina - How to Run Your Race When You Don't Feel Like It

One of the most difficult things about enduring a strenuous workout (whether it is martial arts, running a marathon or swimming etc) isn't motivation but rather maintaining the stamina to train the fully allotted time.  It’s easy to run, bike or train up until the point it becomes painful and/or exhausting.  We are quick to think that if it “hurts” we should stop.  Obviously if you are experiencing unusual pain you should stop.  Frequently however, we use pain and exhaustion as an excuse to stop which in turn means we end up not meeting our goals.

There are times when we have to push through the pain, exhaustion and fatigue for the price that is on the other side.  I used to train in martial arts and often the reward of pushing through a session was simply a higher tolerance to the pain and fatigue.  It's necessary for staying in shape and being able to train or fight longer than I did previously.  We only get stronger and develop our stamina when we can push through the pain and fatigue of a given situation and refuse to give up.  This is often referred to as “mental toughness.”

"I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself." I Cor 9:27 Message

"But [like a boxer] I buffet my body [handle it roughly, discipline it by hardships] and subdue it, for fear that after proclaiming to others the Gospel and things pertaining to it, I myself should become unfit [not stand the test, be unapproved and rejected as a counterfeit]. I Cor 9:27 -Amplified

No matter what God has called you to do, whether it be big or small, we will all face times in our walk with God when we feel like we cannot go on.  When we feel like we cannot possibly take one more step, say one more prayer, make it to church one more time or read one more bible verse.  However, it is exactly at those points when we must, when we have NO OTHER CHOICE but to overcome the fatigue, discouragement and hopelessness we face.

Do you realize your race is not about you?  Do you know how many more people (those you can see but mostly those whom you cannot) are depending on your mental toughness to help them push through?  When others see you keeping your faith and running your race despite setback, obstacles and other things you face, this encourages them to keep going and fighting!

When I am training and I am so exhausted all I want to do is quit, nothing is more annoying than to look over at my training partner and see them still giving it their all.  Not only is it annoying but it is also motivating.  I don’t want to quit on my training partner because he is depending on me to finish our session together.  If I quit on him, who is to say he won’t quit on me next time?  If that happens how could I possibly blame him?

The most powerful tool you will ever have to influence others is your own example. Therefore, no matter what you are going through right now, don’t give in and don’t give up.  There is a place in your heart/spirit that Jesus watches over.  Tap into this place and refuse to give up.  Refuse to say “I quit.”  Tap into that mental toughness that is Christ Jesus and the Holy Ghost.  I know you think you can’t.  I have been there. God has your back.  Every moment you think you can’t he says “yes, but WE can!”  If you want God to take you to that next level in your life, career or in your relationships you have to get tough, mentally and spiritually.  Don’t let the enemy or well meaning people steal what you have worked so hard to obtain!!

“But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.  For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day…” I Tim 4:5-7

Sometimes it is as basic as saying “I am tired, exhausted, discouraged, beat up and I want to give up.  Nevertheless, Lord be with me and give me strength though I feel like I don't have one ounce to give.  Grant me perseverance even though I feel like as though I have none.  Give me encouragement even though my tank is empty.  Lord only you and I can do this together.  Please don’t leave me but help me press on!”

I am not saying it is easy, it is not.  It never is.  You just need to try and set an alarm in your mind that goes off when you are about to give up so you can recognize the moment and then refuse to give in!  I know you can do it, because I know the God that lives inside of you.  He lives inside of me too.  Now, let’s go do this! 

Conviction

From Merriam-Websters: 

Conviction: the act or process of finding a person guilty of a crime especially in a court of law; or a strong persuasion or belief.

For the purposes of this blog we are referring to the latter and not the former.

Conviction (or having convictions) can be a funny thing at times.  By funny of course I mean aggravating.  Then again if it was easy it wouldn't require conviction.  This is especially true when the people we care about either a) don't have the same convictions b) think a particular conviction should only apply in certain circumstances, especially when convenient for them and inconvenient for you (which of course is kind of the opposite of conviction) and/or c) think you are insane for standing by your convictions.

We all have convictions about something.  Thankfully many of these such as murder are shared by the vast majority of us.  Some of these convictions come from our personal spiritual beliefs, some from our parental upbringing and yet others simply from learning certain lessons the hard way.  [Funny side note is that sometimes a lack of conviction is from never learning that lesson despite the hard consequences that are handed out.] Truth be told there are probably a number of different sources for our convictions.  Basically I am referring to a persons own "moral code" if you will.

Those who know me well understand I have no problem (with rare exceptions) in sticking to my convictions; they also know I usually don't have any problem talking about them either.  The source of my convictions comes generally from the three areas I mentioned above (parental, spiritual and personal experience.)  My convictions have served me well my 37 years on this planet and I am not ashamed of them.  In part they have helped me achieve the success I have had both personally and professionally.  Without them I most certainly would be living a below average life right now.

To be fair (and to be honest) my convictions have cost me certain relationships with family members, close friends and girlfriends (of the ex variety).  While many of those moments were indeed sad they were also necessary breaking points in my life.  Either I would stand firm for what I believed was right (thus staying true to myself) or I wouldn't; instead allowing unsafe people (yes even family members) to have influence over my life in subtle and not so subtle ways.  Especially as a younger man I didn't always handle the communication of my feelings or beliefs in the proper manner.  Outside of that I have no regrets and will not have any going forward either.

You can read about one of my convictions in the blog entitled "Nick Offerman is Satan" I don't expect everyone (or even the majority) of people to agree with my convictions.  Truthfully I couldn't care less.  Many people, including friends whose opinions I respect a great deal (and others I don't) thought I took a relatively hard stance regarding Mr. Offerman.  Good for them.  However, I am the only person who has to live with myself 24/7 until I die (apologies to my wonderful wife who mercifully gets at least 5 days a week of not having to live with me for 8 - 12 hour increments) and I have a strong desire to stay true to myself.  No apologies.

Hopefully dear reader you understand I am not referring to a conviction that I can ONLY eat hamburgers on Thursdays and Saturdays or that under no circumstances do I leave the house before a certain time on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I am talking about things that have a certain degree of substance or has its DNA rooted at least in part on a certain moral code society in general has about things.  Drug use for instance is a GREAT example!

Look I don't have a problem if you want to use drugs (just ask my neighbors) but you better believe I will do my best to keep your drug use from having an influence on my life.  You can talk about your drug use around me if you want.  Having never used illegal drugs I won't have a great amount of input into the conversation but I will listen.  Just don't bring that shit around me, my family or my hypothetical future children.  If you want my opinion on your drug use I will give it but not unsolicited.  It is true I did fall madly in love (mostly by accident) with a woman who used drugs (i.e. lied about it very well) and that "relationship" nearly destroyed me.  You can't ever save a person who doesn't want or need to be saved but that didn't stop me from trying.

One of the more nebulous convictions I have is not wanting to be around people who are either a) ungrateful or b) take advantage of my kindness/generosity.  The longer I am on this earth the more I am learning people don't place value on being polite and showing gratitude towards others.  Certainly not as much as I do but I digress.  I don't engage in acts of kindness for the thank you's and certainly not because I feel I am earning some kind of "credit" for doing so.  Despite what some people think I really enjoy being kind and generous to people.  My closest friends know this about me.  However, I do expect a thank you or some show of gratitude.  It's called being polite.  Failure to do so is just flat out disrespectful.  Even worse when a person realizes (or are duly notified) they failed to say "thank you" or show gratitude and still decide not to bother.

Don't get me wrong.  It's not as if failure to say "thank you" one time is going to get you cast into utter darkness (cause that is what it is like if you aren't my friend, obviously!).  However, a pattern of not saying thank you and/or not acknowledging that I spent a significant amount of money to have you come to...hmmm...say...to a family function (hypothetically of course) is going to be a problem. A substantial one.  Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice shame on me.

What I irritates me is being asked to compromise these convictions simply because others don't share them.  Forgive me for not wanting to be around someone who uses drugs, takes advantage of me and/or might murder me.  Yes I said murder me.  The point is most people would agree it isn't the best idea to be around someone who might kill them.  However, as we get further away from that example many people have vastly different opinions on what they will and will not allow in their life.  For me drug users is included in that list.  We might still be friends but there will always be a certain distance that I will choose to keep you at.  If you happen to be a murderer as well then you can pretty much be assured we won't be going fishing anytime soon.

Hey, you want to hang out with people who might do you bodily harm, cook up some meth and then drive off with your car (and of course not say thank you!) then go right ahead.  More power to you!  I celebrate you for standing by your convictions (or lack thereof if you prefer).  However, I refuse to put myself or my family at risk (great or small) simply because someone is going to be offended or think I hate them.

Will standing by my convictions cost me future relationships?  No doubt.  Some of them will probably even be significant and close.  However, I counted the costs of my convictions a long time ago and am willing to lose unhealthy and unproductive relationships for healthy, productive and beneficial ones in the future.  I am not writing off these relationships forever; please understand that.  There have even been friends/family that came back online later after each of us learned to grow up a bit and have an adult conversation about things that occurred or happened in the past.  Yet I won't suffer ongoing abuse, risk my safety and well being "hoping" someone gets their shit together.

It's not going to happen and I won't apologize for it.  Let's end by using something Christ said in the gospels (and yes some of my convictions come from a man who wasn't afraid to put people in their place) even if to a certain degree it is taken out of context.

“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn

“‘a man against his father,
    a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
³⁶     a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’

“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:34-37)

And since everyone just LOVES Tommy Jeff...

Jack the Melancholy Octopus Part II

This is Part II...please see Part I from April...

As Jack approached the field he attempted to muster up some fake happiness and give his parents a friendly, warm, and confident smile and wave. He was unable to tell if he had succeeded, he certainly didn't feel confident nor all that friendly. In his heart, he had no joy. He hated this moment and just wanted it to be over so he could go home and forget he ever met Roberta. How could she not be here? How could she be so selfish? How could he have been so wrong about her? With those and a million more thoughts, Jack stepped up to the throwing circle.

Mr. Riley, the track and field official (and sea turtle) came over to Jack and gave him his first Hammerhead to toss. “Now Jack once that bell rings you have 60 seconds to throw it otherwise it is a fault. Let that happen twice and you double-fault and are disqualified from the competition. After your first throw, you will have two minutes before your second throw to make any adjustments. Do you understand?”

“Mmph” was the only reply Jack gave. Apparently, it was satisfactory for Mr. Riley as he shuffled off to ring the bell.

*Ring ring*

Jack could have sworn that bell could wake the dead. The big countdown clock flashed on and started counting down. It was Jack’s normal routine in the Hammerhead toss to use the full 60 seconds before making the throw. He always felt it was a waste if he didn't take all the time allotted. For today, at least on his first throw, he didn't care.

Before the clock even reached 50 seconds Jack went into the classic spin motion that Roberta had encouraged him to use and that he was most comfortable with. Unfortunately for Jack, it was also the riskiest of the methods in the Shark toss. Using this method Jack would normally spin around twice and on the third time around he would step up and let loose his shark. Spinning more than three times was just not a good idea.

Jack tried to concentrate and put Roberta out of his mind and focused on the throw. He knew his parents loved him regardless of his performance and whether he succeeded or failed he knew they would still be the same great parents at the end of the day. However, as he spun to throw on his third spin a wave of sadness came crashing violently inside of his head like a tsunami. He accidentally stepped on the stop-board, stumbled as he threw, and stepped outside the throwing circle.

  

The silent shock of the onlookers was like a cacophony to Jack making him wish he were dead and desperately hoping the next bell wouldn’t bring him back. “How could this have happened?” Jack cried aloud in his heart. It was then Jack realized he should have just quit months ago; that this whole season had been a monumental waste of his time.

Mr. Riley quickly came over to make sure Jack was okay and signaled to the other official he might need some additional time before his next throw. “Jack, oh boy Jack are you okay? That was a nasty trip. If you are hurt you are allowed an additional five minutes to recover if needed.”

Jack was silent.

“Jack? Did you hear me?” Pleaded Mr. Riley. 

Jack was in a daze. He didn’t even want to make his next throw, what was the point? He had utterly embarrassed himself on the biggest stage possible! There was nowhere he could go though. He didn’t want to be a failure in the eyes of his fellow athletes not after making it this far. His third and fourth tentacles ached but nowhere near the ache in his heart. He simply didn’t feel he had the strength or desire to get up and throw again.

"Please let me have a few minutes,” Jack said. 

“Yes of course, of course!” the old sea turtle replied. “When the buzzer rings next that will mark the end of the five minutes you will then have to head back to the throwing circle for your final toss.”

“I understand,” Jack said without emotion.

His parents looked concerned and how could he blame them? He had made a fool of himself and Octopuses everywhere! Now he had only one chance at redemption, one opportunity to salvage his dignity but he wasn't interested. His mind began to drift and he just sat staring straight ahead. He didn't know how long he had been doing that when from behind him; somewhere off in a faraway world he heard his father’s voice, “Jack, Jack! Son, come over here quickly!”

His father had climbed down to the edge of the field, as close as he possibly could to get Jack’s attention.  Snapping out of his haze Jack dejectedly walked over to where his father now stood. Only an ugly grey fishing net separated father from son.

“Jack I know you are sad that Roberta isn’t here. Neither your mother nor I know where she is, nor do we know why she chose not to show up today. I can only imagine how devastated you must be.”

Jack’s eyes began to well with tears.

“Two minutes! Two minutes before the bell!” Mr. Riley yelled from across the field

His dad continued, “Sometimes in life, you are going to be disappointed. On some occasions, it will be those closest to you that will disappoint you the most. It is great to have people who will help you during difficult times and encourage you when you are down. Yet there comes a time when there is only you, Jack” His dad’s voice thick with emotion.

“There are times when you have to find the courage to press on and fight, to compete against all odds and in the face of great adversity. Your mother and I are so proud of you Jack, no matter what happens today we are proud you are our son. Nothing will ever change that.”

“Yea Dad I know, but uh…” began Jack.

“Son, this is a time to listen, not to speak, okay,” said his father firmly.

“Okay,” Jack said out of frustration. Jack knew what his father was saying was true but it was just so hard to overcome his disappointed and heavy heart.

“Jack this is your chance, you have to search inside of yourself and throw that damn shark as far as you can.  Don’t do it for me or your mother and certainly don’t do it for Roberta. You have to reach way down deep inside your soul to your very essence and throw this shark for yourself. You are at a defining moment in your life. You can look back many years from now and realize the significance of your decision or regret your decision and blame whatever happens next on Roberta. I love you, son, now step up there and show this crowd what an Octopus is all about!” with that his Father hurried back to sit next to his Mom.

*Ring Ring*

Whether it was the last words his dad spoke to him are that awful bell, Jack couldn’t be sure. Whatever it was, Jack snapped back to reality. He now realized the truth of what his Dad had said to him. No matter what the results of this Hammerhead Shark toss would be Jack would compete for himself. Not for Roberta and not for his parents but for his pride and his future. All that mattered now was he gave his next (and last toss) everything he could. Deep down Jack now understood he wasn't a quitter. The temptation to quit is always there but following through on that idea just wasn't in his DNA, not under any circumstance. He knew now that if he gave 100% of himself at this moment, no matter what the outcome, he would have no regrets and could hold his head high. For the first time in his young life, Jack realized he was no longer a child Octopus but had grown into a man. It was time to put away his childish thinking forever and embrace his emergence as a grown Octopus.

This time Jack stepped confidently into the throwing circle, his face set like flint. His eyes were full of focus, concentration, and purpose. The onlookers begin to offer up an encouraging cheer but Jack barely hears them as he quiets his mind, grabs his shark, and prepares for his final toss. Jack patiently waits for the clock to run down to 10 seconds before he begins his first spin. His mind is clear, he feels sad for Roberta that she is going to miss this moment but that is her loss, not his. Second spin…a big smile begins creeping across Jack’s face…into his third spin and woosh…the shark leaves his tentacle. At that very moment, Jack knew he nailed it, this would be one of his best tosses ever. It wouldn't matter where he placed or if he won.  In his mind, he knew he already had won a major victory.

As his shark comes crashing down at the 75-meter mark the crowd erupts in thunderous applause. In the end, Jack will place second in the event, falling half a meter short of the eventual champion. None of that matters at this moment. He cannot believe how loud the cheers are now! 

"Jack! Jack! Jack!" the crowd roars!

It is almost deafening and Jack thinks to himself this must be the sound that awakens the living…