It has been several years since I posted anything on this blog. For a while, I had a different blog that I maintained but I took that down two years ago. I didn't feel like what I was writing made a difference to anyone and it was just too much work. I miss writing but it seemed pointless to share when no one really read it and also pointless to write for no reason so I stopped.
Today, I have reason to write again.
Today I am scared.
I have no way to really let it go so I am writing in the hopes it will provide some release for me and help clear my head at least for today.
Your initial reaction is probably to think I am scared about the virus which is going around. I wouldn't blame you and don't get me wrong I am plenty worried about it. I worry about my parents catching it and dying (and other family members of course). I also worry about something happening to me and my two kids would be without a Dad. My son wouldn't have one memory of me. He wouldn't know the sound of my voice. He wouldn't know how much I loved him.
My daughter would have some memories of me but by the time she would be in high school they would be fuzzy and distant. She too would likely forget how my voice sounded.
Let's not forget my poor wife. While she no doubt can survive without me, it would obviously make her life harder. We are far away from any family and the network we have built here in Houston is pretty small.
All of those things are a cause for concern, worry and a great deal of sadness. Those are all enough to keep me up at night and had been keeping me up some nights.
Then a few days ago I was laid off from work. Out of the blue. No real warning it was coming at least not this quickly. It is the second time I have been laid off in three years. I had only been there 5 months after leaving the company that moved me down to Houston. Our family was getting ready to buy a house. We have been living in rented homes for almost 18 months after having our own house in Tennessee. The first time I was laid off it took me 18 months to find a full-time gig and that is when our economy was booming and there were tons of jobs. Now there are over 20 million Americans looking for work (20 Million!) and almost no one in my industry is hiring and if they are, it isn't for the kind of work I do.
The lease we have is up in July and the home we are leasing is only temporary because the family that owns it plans on moving in once we move out. This means my family will be homeless come July if I cannot find a job. You can't rent an apartment or house without proof of income and we have none and may not have any by the time we need a place to live. Forget about buying a home. Last week we had just gotten pre-qualified for the purchase of a home and now without my job and salary that is busted. Our savings were just now starting to recover from the last time I was laid off but we aren't anywhere near the same amount of savings as we had back in 2017.So yes, I am scared. I am forty-four years old and while you might not think it, it can be really difficult to find a new job after you turn 40. I loved the job I was just laid off from. I worked with a great team, a wonderful boss and an industry I really am passionate about. It was so exciting working again for a big firm after two stints with smaller organizations. This has absolutely devastated me and words don't really describe it. Today I am in a serious funk and I am not ashamed to admit it. I would have to go back 18 years ago to an event in my life (ironically also in April) that even came close to how this has made me feel.
I have faith in my God to make a way out of no way but that faith in God doesn't make me feel any better today. Every 5 minutes I have to fight against feelings of desperation, depression, and despondency. I need to find a job that pays us enough money within the next 30 - 45 days to prevent us from having to move in with our families. No one wants that. Okay, my daughter wants that but no one else. I don't mean that as a slight against my family because my family doesn't want it either. It truly would be a move of desperation. A last gasp to prevent us from being on the streets.
For those who are reading this, I hope you find yourself in a better position. I am thankful that we are and my extended family is healthy. I am grateful I have a family I can stay with as I know plenty out there who wouldn't be able to. I am trying to focus on the positive things and my son, Horace, helps with his goofy little smile and antics. I am in a dark place my friends and scared. I don't get scared. This is new to me and I don't like it.
Journey with me if you will and let's see what God ends up doing. I certainly hope it blows my mind cause we could use some good news soon!
Thanks for reading.
Andrew
